10 More Reasons Why I Hate Jazz, By Miriam Nerval, a “Pathetic Loser”

13 August 2008

1. Walking Bass lines. I can’t believe I forgot this first time around! Whoever came up with this is a fucking genius, Mozart’s turning in his grave for not coming up with it first. It’s just so inventive! This is probably my favourite form of walking bass:

Wahoo! I don’t know whether it’s the damn “catchy” step wise movement (it makes me want to shoot a staple gun into my ear drums) or the flattened 7th (god bless that Bb) that signals a revolution, but I’m pretty sure it’s pioneering something, somehow…

2. Trumpets. (I really really hope Malcolm doesn’t see this one)..Trumpets are so loud and obnoxious, they ruin everything- quiet moments, music, my life. Some trumpet playing is more tolerable than others, Jazz (of course) being my VERY LEAST FAVOURITE. Especially muted trumpets; ooooh what a whacky sound, how cool, how quirky, HOW HORRIBLE. Can’t you hear the noise you’re creating? For a couple of bars or so, it’s bearable, I guess it’s always nice to have a bit of a change, but 5 pieces later, I want nothing more than to shove that mute right up you’re fucking trumpet and get to a sick bag asap.

The names of the mutes are almost as bad as the sound they create- Buzz-wah and Wah-Wah being the pick of the bunch. I’d like to take this opportunity to point out the suffix “wah” is ONLY acceptable following the prefix MIZ, blatez.

what a fucking twat

what a fucking twat

3. Miles Davis. This year I had to study “Four” in A-Level music. This opens with a trumpet cadenza, which due to my teacher’s assurances that old Miles was a virtuoso, I expected to blow me away. No. No. NO. I was sourly disappointed when we were instead presented with what was essentially an upwards rising scale, played in triplets, just to add that je ne sais quoi. My teacher LOVED how he’s improvised such a thing, across such a wide range of notes. Well done. Would you like a fucking medal for knowing all the notes on your instrument? You’re meant to be a virtuoso ( Virtuoso n. a person who has special knowledge or skill in a field.) A special knowledge? A SPECIAL knowledge?! Point me too a good trumpet player who couldn’t whack out a scale spanning 3 octaves or so? I think a new jazz king needs to be elected. If this is what you’re presenting us with, it’s no wonder you look like a fucking joke. NOTE: I’m not just hating on miles, there was a number of other contenders, including Dizzy Gillespie, Charlie Minger and Howlin’ fucking wolf.

4. Stop time. What a RADICAL creation. No really, my whole life has been turned upside down because of it. I’m not even going to go into that one, it’s just ball bags. Absolute ball bags.

5. Scat. Although it’s scat that really makes me want to rip your vocal chords out using a shard from a smashed Charlie Mingus record, Jazz Vocals as a whole probably win my award for WORST noise EVER to come out of someone’s mouth, and I saw blazin’ squad twice when I was 11, so that’s really saying something. You sound like a warbling old lady whose started to loose control over her vocal chords, you really do. And scat is even worse! EURGH! It’s hardly revolutionary improv when all you’re doing is making stupid noises to a little tune. My three year old cousin can do that, but it doesn’t mean I’m hailing her as the next big thing. Ella Fitzgerald was a right jerk off.

6. Any swell blues song that opens with “I woke up this morning..”. Cool. I wish you hadn’t.

7. Stupid stage names. Last time around I touched upon the stupid names of the pieces, but the names of the people writing the stupid pieces are even worse. The ONLY “Dizzy” that should be tolerated is that Rascal; and as for Howlin’ Wolf- I don’t think it wise to so openly invite comparisons between yourself and a wild dog when you sound like you do. Then there’s “Duke” Ellington, you are NOT a Duke. “Pretentious Idiot” Ellington, or “Some one should tell me to shut the hell up” Ellington may have been a more appropriate choice.  (I realise that as I wander around calling myself stupid names like “Mizzee” I may not be one to comment- but then I’m a youf of today, fucking gangsta, and so off the wall I’m hangin’ from the ceiling man)

8. Bebop. So off the wall you can forget my ceiling, this baby can’t even be boxed into a room. Most of the Jazz Musicians I know get a bit excited about bebop, it’s like so frantic I can TOTALLY see why… Like, the metronome has been tweaked up a couple of knotches and wait, oh here’s a radical idea, why don’t we rename the themes “head”- cool man, I’ll grab my dancing shoes.

jazzy geoff

jazzy geoff

My ears are bleeding.

9. I read once that “jazz, by its very definition CANNOT be orchestrated”, isn’t that a bit elitist? Cutting off an entire genre, making it only accessible to those lucky enough to have the talent for improvising, and with a good ear? What about the millions of competent musicians who aren’t so good at that kind of thing, but want to play a little jazz? Don’t get me wrong, I’m not opposed to musicians not reading music, that’s not the point I’m trying to make. Some of the best musicians I know are stave-illiterate, and I play by ear 80% of the time cos I’m just too lazy to read the notes. But I think to start something with the intention of NOT letting it be written down, even by someone else, is a bit ball bags really isn’t it?

Having said that, I kind of wish no one ever did write down jazz, then we couldn’t have it forced upon us at numerous points in our musical education.

10. Jazz Cafes. Talk about putting me off my food. What’s the appeal? We aren’t living in the 1920’s, move the hell on. My auntie took me to a little jazz café once, there was a lovely squeaky violin treating us to a sharp rendition of Rhapsody in Blue, I’d pretended to be sick in the toilet to get out of there within the first 16-24 bars. Sometimes I still have nightmares about it. I wake up screaming. The haunting screech of the violin’s E string echoing around my head ’till the early hours.

For anyone else suffering similar symptoms, I find that a good dose of Stiff Little Fingers will whack it straight out of you.

Just as a side note, I would like to make it public knowledge that once I’ve discovered I’ve failed A-Level music tomorrow, it is the Jazz module that will be COMPLETELY to blame. It’s a bit hard to take anything in when you wince and start vomiting every time the teacher presses play.

Please don’t letter bomb my house for this. It’s not my fault if you’re warped enough to like Miles Davis.

Peace and Yellow Things.


50 Responses to “10 More Reasons Why I Hate Jazz, By Miriam Nerval, a “Pathetic Loser””

  1. […] News » News 10 More Reasons Why I Hate Jazz, By Miriam Nerval, a “Pathetic Loser”2008-08-13 11:40:42Choice. there’s “Duke” Ellington, you are NOT a Duke. “Pretentious […]

  2. While I’m fortunate to afford a few nice toys, I hate to see these products unattainable for others. String Instrument

  3. MizwAh Says:

    i especially like the added pictures and their captions
    and the tags “jazz is gay” “jazz is for losers” totally on the vibe.

  4. n01d Says:

    Thanks again Mizzee for letting me steal all this from you.

    If there’s anything else you’d like to put on here just let me know…It’s your posts getting all the views!

  5. n01d Says:

    And the imaginative tagging means that if one searches for wanky jazz on google, your article is the top hit!

    also jazz wank,jazz jerk and jazz losers

    I Hate Jazz | An Anonymous Group with Personal Stories, Support …
    Do You Hate Jazz? Join an anonymous group with personal stories, support group forums, and experiences. Also includes surveys, quizzes & videos.
    http://www.experienceproject.com/groups/Hate-Jazz/17945 – 62k –

  6. jazzy geoff Says:

    bit harsh at times, though i did enjoy the part about the stop time and your general use of ‘balls’ and ‘absolute balls’ x

  7. mizwaHHH Says:

    i do have a couple of new ones
    i like them more than this
    i’ll send them to you when i’ve sorted them out proper like

    thanks for putting them up, i feel well famous blud, 🙂

  8. crow Says:

    To not “let” something get written down, just to get elitists off, would be ball bags, I agree. And I certainly would not support any elitist behavior in any discipline–elitism stagnates. In my personal experiences, I’ve found that the reason why certain kinds of music do not get written down is because they’re more about the ineffable experience that someone had at the time of playing or creating it. “Transcendental” moments in which ANY musician or music lover can participate.

  9. n01d Says:

    4:27pm Mizzee :

    i’m living with three jazz musicians, and another 2 next door. i’m off to stab my ears out with rusty screwdrivers now.. x

  10. you are a fucking idiot, how could you be writing this whole essay on all the flaws you find in Jazz, when your doing A level music… A level music is not hard, passing A level music does not make you the king of music, trying to blame failing the exam on the Jazz module, when you are just too stupid to understand it. when you can play any type of music as well as all the musicians you criticised can i think you might have a point, but for now…shut the hell up. i know its all opinion but your likely to recieve a hostile response when you write a shit load of uneducated bullshit on something you have not the slightest understanding of.

  11. MizwAh Says:

    thank you so much for prompting me to write a whole new anti-jazz blog.
    i’ve needed some idiot to push me to it for a while.
    also, yes, being 17, i WAS studying a-level music, but without wishing to blow my non-miles davis influenced trumpet, i’m now at one of the best music colleges in the world so, err ya know.. i’ll see you at the royal albert shall i?
    you can be the one sat outside bitchin’ and i’ll be the one with the one inside, with the career in music. hot stuff.
    loads of love and that, you seem like a really cool guy..

  12. MizwAh Says:

    ps, at no stage did i claim to be the “king of music”, this whole thing was written with a twinge of humour (sorry that went over your un-educated head); and if anything, i’d be the queen of music, durrrrrr

  13. Kemal Says:

    Well said, Miriam, well said. Jazz is without any doubt the Special Olympics of music. The world would be a better place without it.

  14. Oliver Says:

    I’m listening to Mingus by Joni Mitchell. I happened to type ‘i hate jazz music’ into Google and found this. So glad someone else feels the same.

    Having said that, ‘Blue in Green’ by Miles Davis and his band is wonderful. The whole Kind of Blue album is quite good. Actually Angelo Badalamenti’s stuff is wonderful too.

    But mostly jazz is awful. Mostly.

  15. MizwAh Says:

    “Jazz is without any doubt the Special Olympics of music.”
    made my day!

  16. chris reeve Says:

    “Jazz is without any doubt the Special Olympics of music.” it made my day too….thanks loads…. It gives me hope that there is intelligent life on the internet……

  17. aaron2rul@yahoo.com Says:

    i’m gay..

  18. Lottie Says:

    Mizzee’s my best friend and I’m a jazz singer. You’d imagine this would create some kind of tension between us, but she hasn’t killed me yet. But then again Mizzee doesn’t know that I currently spend most of my time scatting. MWAHAHAHAHA FEEL MY EVIL SCAT WRATH!!! lOVE YOU XXX

  19. MizwAh Says:

    Lottie noooooooooooo!
    ha ha ha ha i love you!

  20. Spudman Says:

    Hey everyone, let’s start throwin scat at each other, just like “real” jazz musicians do. K, I’ll start:

    Zoddle Piddle Poodle Riggy

  21. alexandre normenez Says:

    well done,unfortunatley this is an awful peice of writing and you have failed beyond human doubt and are a massive dong.However it is nice that you and your merry band have taken the time to waste the time wasted on writing this pathetic uneducated bigotry.
    yes i would be scared of jazz if i was a massice cracker ass mother fucker aswell.

  22. rOG Collins Says:


  23. n01d Says:

    come back soon rOG

  24. n01d Says:

    rOG – You are a shit faggot

  25. MASturge Says:

    Dear Miriam,

    From one “pathetic loser” to another, I agree with everything you say!! I’ve hated jazz and pretentious, ignorant jazz musicians all my life. Stick to your guns. It stinks and will always stink. Even my CATS hate jazz!

    My main complaint about jazz is the total lack of perhaps the most important component of great music: COUNTERPOINT!!

    From Bach to Haydn to Mozart to Beethoven to Schumann to Brahms to Bruckner to Wagner to Mahler to Schoenberg…the great thread connects it all together is counterpoint.

    How could there be counterpoint in jazz? The greatest musical geniuses in history had to work out their inner lines carefully and with a great deal of forethought. In Mahler’s 8th many passages reappear frequently and each time with a completely different five part harmonic accompaniment. How can these retarded dope soaked jazz “musicians” think they can make them up on the spot? It boggles the mind.

    And their stupid chords!!! Big damn deal…they’re not achieved by the interweaving of independant lines, the pianist just clubs ’em out, one after another. They don’t realize that in great music, the goal is to go from one chord to another either by changing as FEW notes as possible or according to a subtle plan or pattern. Good example: the so-called “mystic” chord resolution in Wagner’s Parsifal is achieved by moving each note in the original chord by on a half step either up or down. A truly mystical touch!

    A final word about Thelonius Monk. To me, he is the worst of the worst…the absolute nadir of pianism! If he had a few piano lessons between heroin fixes, maybe he wouldn’t be so pathetically painful to watch and hear! He is the epitome of what makes jazz completely worthless and worthy only of ridicule and contempt.

    PLEASE, jazz lovers, send me lots of negative comments. The more the better. Although I’ve long since ceased to be flattered with your disapproval of my views, I still get a kick out of reading them.

    • Sense Says:

      Stop complaining about our personalities considering people like you are creating rotted messages trying to destroy everything that you don’t understand.

  26. aurora Says:

    it’s okay, i hate jazz too! 🙂

  27. Bill Ricci Says:

    I’m currently majoring in jazz performance, and it has made me hate jazz. Most of the jazz performers are pretentious and their music is completely unoriginal and shitty. BUT you know nothing about jazz. Most of the students practice to avoid your criticisms.

  28. Buddy Says:

    I agree with these points, too!

    Who came up with the formula for jazz solos at the end of each song? It invades rhythm and blues, rock and other genres. Basically being lazy: musical wanking to extend a piece so that the band doesn’t have to do so many pieces — everyone just repeat their own solo at the end. It would be better if the solo was a variation of the piece, but it’s not – just some old fart farting on his instrument.

  29. Me Says:

    I happen to love jazz. The discordant notes. The overly long trumpet solos. The pretentious attitude of fellow jazz fans. When I want to pee I listen to running water. When I want to shit I listen to jazz. By the way if I need to crap and no toilet is near doesn’t any radio or instrument playing jazz qualify. Oh wait never mind toilets take shit away not push it out. Sorry my bad. Scat? Hmmm.

  30. Pickle Says:

    Love it.
    I’ve been running around thinking I was missing something and that maybe I was just too stupid to truly appreciate jazz. The comment about being too stupid to understand is wonderful. I deal with artists and their clients and for the life of me can’t understand how some of them get away with the shit they produce.Their typical defence is “you don’t understand the piece”. I don’t understand why anybody would buy it.
    Good luck with the Albert Hall and thanks for freeing me from the burden of trying to figure out jazz.

  31. I have no educational background in music, just a lifetime of enjoying the notes and chords of music that resonates within me, and makes me feel. I love ALL genres of music, even a few of Kenny G’s versions of jazz. (except for rap, which by it’s own definition isn’t music at all).

    But jazz makes absolutely NO sense to me whatsoever! I’ve listened to jazz hundreds of times and tried to make myself hear what the “trained” ear hears. But jazz only reaches my brain as just random notes! It doesn’t make me tap my foot or make me feel like dancing. It doesn’t cause me to go off into a dreamlike state of bliss, it doesn’t conjure up cool memories. I’m a pretty easy going, non confrontational person, but for some reason when I hear jazz I become agitated and cranky! I’ve always wondered why jazz affects me in such a negative way, and if there are others like me. There you are!! It’s nice to feel sort of “validated”, to know that I’m not alone, and that there is nothing “wrong” with me because I don’t “get” jazz. In retrospect, I guess jazz does make me “feel” after all. It makes me feel confused, and cranky!

    Maybe it’s as simple as being wired differently, like the Mars and Venus brain. Maybe that’s why more men “get” jazz than women. Maybe jazz aficiandos have an extra bone in their ear, and hear something we don’t. Wonder if a study has ever been done.

  32. Sense Says:

    The only good musician is one that can respect both realms, classical and jazz. If you can’t then I am glad I will never have to share a stage with you.

  33. Mike Says:

    It sounds like you have more of a problem with African-Americans in general and their influence on American music, rather than Jazz.

    Also, reading your comments reminds me of how grateful I am to have not been classically trained in the European musical tradition.

  34. Incognito Traveler Says:

    You, sir, have no taste.

  35. I see lots of clowns Says:

    Hola, amigos músicos.

    In music, you clearly realize your own limits. (That won’t happen if you are a journalist or a politician). This generates frustration, and frustration generates hate and arrogance. So there’s a lot of hate and arrogance in all this posts: they are mostly written by musicians.

    Music is communication. Anyway, that’s what some musicians seem to say:

    -“Look how intelligent and sensitive I am, I like Jazz and I can play lots of scales.”
    -“I play Classical music. That proves I am intelligent, and you are an ignorant if you can’t appreciate this”
    -“I am as intense as Metal, I don’t care too much about mild styles like Jazz or Classical. I’m like fire.”
    -“If you can’t play Blues, you have no feeling at all. I can play blues, so I am a poet, not a dumb like you”

    I prefeer enjoying this clowns’ show.

  36. BeBopHater Says:

    I became a serial killer because of jazz. I’ve brutally murdered my neighbor’s son,out of sheer frustration ’cause I couldn’t get past the trauma of hearing “Giant Steps”…Damn you,jazz music! Now,if you’ll excuse me,I have to clean my hatchet…

  37. WTF? Says:

    Wait, you are dumb, but I just googled you and saw your picture at Newport Minster. You are really cute and hot.

  38. Bransby Says:

    This is very funny. Up until fairly recently I was convinced jazz was a massive, shadowy conspiracy, that nobody actually liked it, but everyone was too afraid to say. But now I do like it, sorry. Oh, and 3 octaves on a trumpet is actually really, really hard. Either that or I’m genuinely rubbish at it.

  39. Aaron Says:

    You are horribly uneducated when it comes to jazz, and its your ignorance that probably causes you to hate it. It intimidates you because it probably requires more musicality than say, merely reading the notes on the page in front of you, which is what I would guess is the extent of your musical training.

    Anyone who has ever checked out a good jazz album recorded anytime from 1945 onward has heard that jazz baselines function nothing like the example you provided. Summarizing jazz baselines to C-E-G-Bb is like me writing off all classical music because “all classical chord professions go 1-4-1-5-1 in the key of C.”

    Educate yourself better about this entire body of music which spans thousands of remarkably different composers and improvisers. That way you can save yourself the embarrassment of coming across as a narrow-minded, musically illiterate cunt.

  40. Denis Moulin Says:

    My comments are still waiting for moderation ?
    You are a pathetic cunt.
    I wonder why suddenly this ridiculous blog sent me an email.
    Fuck you

  41. Ori Samsonov Says:

    I come from the world of medieval music and I share your hate, form a different angle though.
    Jazz and similar styles seem to me like wrong steps in the evolution of music.
    Historically, special kinds of dissonant intervals were called “wolves”, so Howlin’ Wolf is quite a fitting name after all (:

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